Tamsen Garrie

This month, I was witness to someone’s integrity being questioned and it got me thinking about what integrity actually is…

I’d always thought of integrity as being about honesty and adherence to moral and ethical principles.  Actually, integrity is more than that.

Integrity is the condition of ‘wholeness’, where our thoughts, language and behaviour is consistent with the type of person we present ourselves to be.

It got me thinking.

I’ve had bosses in the past who have talked about empowering the team, and then behaved like a control-freak

I’ve known colleagues who genuinely believed they were doing a great job, but who failed to deliver

I’ve had friends who claimed to be there for me, but who were absent the minute I needed their support

I’ve had clients who bang on about the importance of being respectful but who failed to behave respectfully to others

These are essentially examples of a lack of integrity, but none of these people were intentionally dishonest.

The thing that occurred to me is this:  if there are inconsistencies between what we claim to be about and what we actually do, our honesty can be questioned.  But if the inconsistencies are never brought to our awareness, it is human nature to continue in pattern.

So, whilst being witness to this persons integrity being questioned was uncomfortable, it was actually helpful because it brought the specific inconsistency into conscious awareness and enabled them to address it.

Is your behaviour in line with what you claim to be about?

This week, during a monthly Success call with one of my team, I asked the question “What defines a leader”.  He answered that leadership is a natural ability that you are either born with or not.

I thought this was very interesting. 

It is true that some people appear to be natural leaders, but does that mean that others cannot develop leadership behaviours that others are inspired to follow?

In my view, Leadership is not an ability or a skill that one applies, it’s a mindset and a subsequent way of behaving that people relate to and either adopt or aspire to. 

The best leaders I know aren’t actually doing anything, they are simply being, and yet, their actions define how people around them then behave and respond.

So, think about your own behaviour…  Do you inspire people to learn more, to do more and to become more?  Do you inspire people to think differently or to behave differently?  If you do, then you have followers and if you have followers, then you are by definition a leader. 

Leadership is in the eye of the beholder…

THE 4N WAY

Last Monday was an exciting day for 4Networking, the business network for which I am the Network Director.

It was our 6 monthly leadership Conference where 100 4Networking leaders came together for a day as we unveiled THE 4N WAY: the completion of the 4NETWORKING BRAND, PRODUCT, TOOLS, and CULTURE.

There are a collection of business models and processes and member and leadership tools that make up THE 4N WAY and there are 2 parts to it:

A PATHWAY TO SUCCESS and A JOURNEY OF DISCOVERY.

The PATHWAY TO SUCCESS is prescriptive in that you need to understand it, trust it, follow it and live it and you will be successful – whatever that means for you.  The JOURNEY OF DISCOVERY is unique and individual to each member as they travel the path.

THE 4N WAY is unflawed.  If you understand what it is, trust it and follow it, you cannot fail to live the success.  Follow THE 4N WAY and see what you discover, Enjoy the journey: adapt, improve, grow… and success will happen for you.

Monday was special, with 11 speakers sharing their own personal journey’s of discovery along THE 4N WAY and a display of emotion from 4Networkings Director of Strategy, Tim Johnson.  The energy in the room was electirc and the feedback since has been amazing.  Already people are talking about their business and their life in 4N WAY terms…

I will post more about this in coming weeks, but for now, consider this:  Where are you on the path?

After my post ‘Where is your success ladder leaning?’, I received this email from Deb Meredith, a friend from Wales and one of the first contacts I made when I relocated from Melbourne to Cardiff in 2006.  I was witness to some of what she refers to here and have since been inspired by her journey and by her willingness to share it…

What Deb demonstrates here is that sometimes, the snakes in our lives turn out to be success enabling… hers certainly has.

Much love to you Deb x

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4 years ago my star was very much in the ascendancy, I was running a pretty successful small business, I was highlighted in the local business press as one of 20 Top Welsh Entrepreneurs to watch and I was getting lauded and recognition almost everywhere I went. I had contributed to a number of books, was a regular contributor on radio and it seemed hardly a week passed without me getting column inches for some reason or another.

Most business owners would kill for that sort of recognition but I was desperately unhappy. Unfortunately, I chose to ignore what my body was telling me, even when I was knocked out with shingles for some 3 months, I still insisted on working through it each and every day, albeit from my bed with a laptop and mobile and occasionally seeing clients if they came to the house.

But not only was my body falling apart, my marriage and homelife was collapsing around me. It seemed the harder I tried to rectify it, in my case by applying more hours to the business, the worse the situation became.

Eventually, on New Year’s Eve 2008 the business went into voluntary dissolution! Our 3 largest clients hadn’t paid us on time and I couldn’t afford to pay my team. I had no choice, had I carried on I would have been trading insolvently.

With hindsight, it’s the best thing that could have happened to me. Fast forward to today and I have now reached the light at the end of an incredibly dark tunnel that took me via bankruptcy, divorce, losing my home and thus losing custody of my son.

I’m now working with a serial entrepreneur whom I met whilst I had that business, the people that dragged me through that tunnel were the people I met whilst I had that business, and the people who continue to support me whilst I’m in this phase of ‘reconstruction’ and ‘rehabilitation’ are primarily the people I met whilst I had that business.

Where did all of these amazing people come from? I don’t need to tell you – 4 Networking.

My goal now? Besides working on my own terms and doing what makes me happy? To let any other business owner out there who is in a similar position to any I’ve been through in the past 4 years know that it’s OK to give it all up, throw in the towel or have the rug pulled from under you. Sure it’s not exactly comfortable at the time, but what you’ll learn from that experience will stand you in far greater stead than anything you’ve learned so far.

Why am I working with this serial entrepreneur? Because in his words, “your experience of business ‘failure’ and personal bankruptcy is worth far more to me and my clients than anyone with all the theory and qualifications in the World on the subject.”.

Sure my confidence and self-esteem took a hit big time, but they’re being rebuilt and this time I’m making sure I listen very closely to what my mind, body and soul are telling me.

I’ve had some great comments, both public and private as a result of my ‘Where is your Success Ladder leaning?’ post – thank you to all of you, it’s great to know you’re reading!

I’ve recently taken that same story out on ‘4Sight tour’ at 4Networking breakfast meetings and it’s produced some interesting reactions there too.

90% of the audience at 4N meetings is people in self-employment and many of them have made a similar transition to me from corporate life to running their own businesses.  For some, their experience whilst climbing the ‘corporate ladder’ caused them to slide down a snake before finding a different ladder to climb.  Some have climbed numerous ladders, leaning against different walls, before discovering that the accumulative learning from all those climbs actually enabled their current success, having positioned their ladder against the right wall – See Tim Johnson’s comment here.

This ‘Snakes and ladders’ analogy came to me as I considered the similarities between life and business and the board game we all know and love.  And so I put my thoughts on email to editor and friend, Mark Beaumont Thomas and asked him for his thoughts.

What he sent back to me so brilliantly captured my thoughts that I am posting it here in its entirety.

Snakes and Ladders

I can still picture the particular snakes and ladders graphics on the version of the game I had as a kid and I’m sure you can with yours too. Why did we love that board game so much?  After all, there really is no skill involved: your fate is governed entirely by the shake of a dice:  Land on a good square and you go up, a bad square and you go down.  But in fact, as you play it, you experience all sorts of useful emotions.

Over-confidence creeps in as you get two or three ladders in a row, which then makes the next snake seem a bigger blow.  There’s complacency as you near the top, only to hit that long snake about 4 squares from the end. Petulance and a claim that things are ‘unfair’, when you hit snake after snake.  Ruthless competitiveness creeps in, and also schadenfreude (I love that word), that “mischievous delight in the misfortune of others”.  It is this, let’s face it, which is at the heart of the game.  It’s a guilty pleasure, but one that really must stay within the confines of the board.

I guess the single most refreshing and energising thing I have found with 4Networking in particular, is an almost complete lack of schadenfreude, and in fact a feeling of its complete reverse: a willingness to share people’s pain, an eagerness to help people who’ve encountered a series of snakes.  Fellow networkers rally round to not just find ladders, but often to provide them, in the form of advice and practical help.  It is a genuine support network.

In self-employment, in my opinion, compared with making a living in the corporate world, there are far more rewarding ladders, but, let’s face it, there are also deadlier, more unpredictable snakes.  So, it’s good to know that when the shake of the dice goes against you, that networking provides a great way of helping you get back into the game.

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Mark Beaumont-Thomas of Lexicon Marketing is also editor of 4Community Magazine.

Soon after I posted my last blog “Where is your ‘Success Ladder’ leaning?”, I received an email from the talented Mike Morrison of Mimo (http://www.mimomedia.co.uk/) who built this website.  He had been inspired by my blogs to share his personal story with me in case I felt that elements of it might add value to readers here.   If it were possible to have any more respect for this man, then his generousity and honesty has increased it.  Thank you Mike.  I expect that many will relate to your experience and that your more recent success will be an inspiration to them.
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‘A long road back’ by Mike Morrison

I remember sitting alone in my living room one night 6 years ago, and thinking about how, at only 21, I had everything I wanted…

I’d been pushed through the ranks of a major UK bank faster and at an age younger than anyone in the company’s history, I had status, respect, and more money coming in than I knew what to do with.  I was engaged, had a very busy social life, and had that swanky city-centre apartment far away from the council estate I grew up on.  I sat there in that big empty living room, and thought about all of this – yet for some reason, I didn’t smile, I didn’t feel fulfilled, and I was miserable.

A year later it all came to a head, when one morning I woke up and realised just how unhappy I was.  I just could not bring myself to face to world, so I called in sick that day… and the next day… and every day until my fiancé insisted I pull myself out off the couch and go and see a doctor.

Clinical depression – fantastic.

In the two years that followed I barely left the house, sinking deeper and deeper into my own hole, only ever venturing out to pick up my prescription for anti-depressants, and to renew my sick note.

None of my friends knew, in fact they still don’t.  I ignored their calls, got my partner to make excuses for me and eventually they stopped calling.  I gained weight, grew my hair and beard – I’d stopped taking care of myself.  I could barely recognise my own reflection, a shell of who I’d been only a couple of years earlier.

I’m scared to imagine what would have happened had I not been forced into taking action.  The generous sick-pay package provided by my company ran dry and we could no longer afford to live.  My partner had to literally shake me into acknowledging that I had to do something.  So, I took what I thought was the easy route, and we moved in with her parents while I returned to University.

It wasn’t until that first day at University that I realised just how much of me had been stripped away.  I’d always been extremely confident, bordering on arrogant at times, yet I stood there in the crowd of people, petrified at the prospect of having to talk to anyone, of anyone noticing me, worried about how I looked, how I sounded and whether I could think of anything interesting to say.

3 years later, I’m running my own business.  I am respected by my peers, and I feel at my most comfortable when I’m standing up in front of rooms full of people sharing my expertise.  I’ve forged strong friendships and relationships and finally I am truly happy.

All of this has come about through being a part of 4Networking (www.4networking.biz).  The warmth, support and honesty I’ve experienced from day one of being a part of this business networking community has helped turn my world around and enabled me to rediscover parts of me which I thought I’d lost.

As I write this, I’m realising how crazy that sounds – a business network responsible for changing my life.  Seriously?!  If it were just me, I’d think that perhaps it was some odd coincidence; but my story is just one of many similar experiences by others, for whom being a part of this community – dare I say it; this family – has been a life-altering journey.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m not all the way there yet – I still have low periods.  I still haven’t quite rebuilt my self-esteem and I still suffer the occasional crisis of confidence, but I’m on the road now, and I have good friends around me to help me along.

Remember ‘Tam with The Plan’ from my earlier blog “Planning only works if the goals are right?”

It was tenacious planning that enabled me to climb the Success Ladder with ease.  It was a steep journey and I kept my focus upwards, continually striving for the next rung, each one representing an achievement:
Status: check, Money: check, Car: check, Recognition: check, Qualification: check, Property: check…

Until I got close to the top and realized that my plan omitted some rather important aspects of success:
Alignment with my values: fail, Personal fulfillment: fail, Enjoyment: fail, Happiness: fail.

Truthfully, it was my body that alerted me first, when it dramatically ‘took me out’ one day as I was bending down to plug in the vacuum cleaner – my lower back went into spasm and I couldn’t stand up.  In agony and with tears streaming down my face, I called my mum whose first words to me were “Are you listening yet?”  Yeah, cheers mum.  Those wise words were hard to hear at the time, but they have since become very helpful in identifying when it’s time to stop.

What followed was two weeks laid up in bed and a sudden realisation that while I was climbing from achievement to achievement, I’d managed to successfully plan myself into being stressed out, knackered and miserable.  Sure, I’d climbed the success ladder with ease but wrong by wrong!

So, I jumped.  I quit the corporate world, sold my car, dumped the boyfriend, sold the flat and left the country…

Now, arguably this was a more dramatic readjustment than was necessary, but by that stage, backtracking down rung by rung was for me, a far more daunting prospect than just starting again.

I spent 4 years in Australia, travelling and bumming about on beaches, working in customer services, studying Clinical Hypnotherapy and reassessing my success strategy.   Being on the other side of the world away from the relationships and circumstances that led to my jump, certainly gave me a new perspective on life, but whilst it makes for a great story, I’m not recommending it either.  Oz was a great experience and I wouldn’t change how it panned out for me, but what I have since learnt is that had I paused for a while at each rung at the time to take stock, I could have gained that new perspective from right where I was.

So, if you’re also on a steep climb up the Success Ladder, good for you!  But are you focused solely on the rung above you?  I’d recommend that you pause occasionally to look sideways and notice what’s going on around you.  Look downwards and notice the people who are climbing with you.  Listen to your body and take notice of what’s happening physically as you climb to the next rung.  And most importantly, identify the real purpose of the climb – in other words, check that your success ladder is leaning against the right wall!

As I travel around the country, I meet lots of people with similar stories..  perhaps some of them will post here..  Equally, if we have not yet connected, but you have some insight to offer or an experience to share, you are very welcome to

If you’re in business, you no doubt understand the importance of networking.

Networking is about developing mutually beneficial relationships and rapport is key to that. Rapport is ‘a relationship of mutual understanding or trust between people’, and when you have rapport with someone, it’s much easier to work out what they need from you. There is also a much better chance of you getting what you need from them.

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Remember the song by Bobby McFerrin? The title of the song sums up the change I chose to make in my life 9 years ago – to put the pursuit of ‘happiness’ in front of the pursuit of ‘success’. ‘Success’ at that time being defined by what other people perceived success to be: job, status, car, income, relationship, blah, blah…

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My personal journey has made me realise the significance of the title of this blog (and I’m not talking World Cup!)

Right now, I am presenting a 4Sight Slot at 4Networking breakfast meetings entitled ‘Tam With The Plan’. That was the nickname I was given in my 20’s by friends and colleagues who ribbed me for having everything in my life mapped out to perfection!

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