It states that ‘Like’ attracts ‘Like’ and that you ‘attract’ into your life whatever you give your attention to.  Whether that attention is through thoughts or feelings, or in some other energetic form, where you put your attention and focus is where you’ll manifest results.

Various books have been written on the subject:  ‘The Secret’ by Rhonda Byrne, ‘Ask and It is Given’ by Esther and Gerry Hicks and ‘The Game of Life and How to Play It’ by Florence Scovel-Shinn to name a few.  These books will tell you that you need to visualise what you want, ask for it, believe that you are worth it and that you will receive it, give thanks for it as if it has already happened and it will miraculously manifest.

Now, if you buy-into the basic premise that our thoughts and feelings create outcomes, then we are all living with The Law Of Attraction, whether we are aware of it or not.  Some of us are ‘applying’ it consciously and by definition therefore positively, and some of us are experiencing the ‘effect’ of it unconsciously.

Whilst, I have worked with the Law Of Attraction for many years and have experienced some pretty amazing results, the most significant success I have experienced in my life, and particularly in building a business, has come as a result of combining The Law Of Attraction with positive action.

This, I call The Act Of Attraction

The Act of Attraction is a 3 principle approach to achieving success and it’s all built around these 3 words embedded within the word ATTRACTION:  ATTRACT > ACTION > TRACTION

ATTRACT is your internal activity.  It is about your intent and your thoughts and feelings.

Be clear in your mind about what you want and then visualise it.  This means evoking ALL the senses, so that it becomes a complete picture.  What does it look like?  What does it sound like?  What does it smell like?  And, what does it feel like?

Remember: ‘Like’ attracts ‘Like’, so the more clarity there is around your vision, and the more your thoughts and feelings are aligned with it, the more likely you are to attract it.  ATTRACT sets the direction for the journey…

ACTION is your external activity.  It’s about actually doing stuff.

But, it’s not just about activity.  Many people spend their time ‘doing’, but what they actually achieve is disproportionately less than the amount of energy expended.  Activity itself is not ‘positive’ by definition.  Sure, often it’s preferable to inactivity, but for some, poorly aligned activity is actually the cause of the lack of success.  Positive activity is that which is focused and aligned with your vision.  ACTION provides fuel for the journey…

TRACTION is the cumulative effect of ATTRACT and ACTION.  It’s what happens when your thoughts, feelings and actions are aligned.

ATTRACT without ACTION is like having a map but no fuel – you remain stationary.

ACTION without ATTRACT is like having fuel but no road – you’re wheel spinning!

When you have the two together, you create TRACTION and TRACTION is what gets you in gear, sets the wheels in motion, grips the road and propels you forward…  TRACTION is important because you only really get moving towards your vision when your internal activity (intent, thoughts and feelings) and your external activity (actions) are in harmony, working together in tandem.  And the best bit is that once you have traction, the effort required is reduced… you gradually build up momentum and once that momentum is sustained, it becomes almost impossible to stop.

Put simply… it’s a lot easier to move when you are already moving…

As you know, I am a huge believer in Self-Leadership.  Self Leadership is the capacity and the commitment to take responsibility for and create our own outcomes. It is the opposite of shifting responsibility for those outcomes onto other people or circumstances.  Learning to self lead is challenging as it goes against our natural tendencies, but once we stop looking externally for motivation and accept that it is an internal job, we are able then to achieve our goals and to enjoy the journey of discovery along the way.

I am priviledge in my role as Network Director of 4Networking to be able to observe the personal journey’s of many, from adversity and fear to independence and self-belief.

Denise McCallum of Detective Denise is an inspiring lady with a powerful story to tell and I am honoured to have her share her story here:

Loving Living

I’ve learned over the years that there are lots of things I can’t control, but what I can control is my attitude and my reaction to those things.  That’s not always as easy as it sounds.

I had a business in computer repairs along with an ecommerce shop.  It was ideal for me as I could run it from home, around my three children.  We then added ‘catalogue returns’ to the portfolio and soon we couldn’t move in the house for boxes.  Against my better judgment, we decided to get some premises.  You see, I was always easily led; I had this thing that I needed to please people, and apparently, getting premises was ‘the way to do it’.

While all this was going on, I was going backwards and forwards to the doctors with non-descript symptoms that often left me crippled with stomach pain.  After a colonoscopy, I was diagnosed with irritable bowel syndrome.  The pain continued and my GP suggested I had gall stones and sent me off for an ultrasound scan. The following day, I got a call from the GP asking me to ring as soon as possible, I knew then that something was terribly wrong.

The oncologist I was sent to told me that my liver was a mess:  How did I look so well? I was sent for scan after scan but nothing uncovered the source of the problem.

On 12^th September 2001, I was booked in for a biopsy, and afterwards, I lay flat on my back for 6 hours watching the Twin Towers fall on the TV.  I stopped worrying from that point, I felt it didn’t matter what the result of the biopsy was – at least I would have a little time to right a few wrongs, do a few things I’d always wanted to do and make sure my children were sorted.

The result of the biopsy was that I had Carcinoid Syndrome, the prognosis at that time around 3 years.

A few days before, I had landed the biggest deal of my life:  A £42,000 contract to supply computers to a national charity.  I set up accounts with several suppliers, maxed out several credit cards and borrowed off my parents to fund it.  It soon became apparent that I had been taken for a ride by a con woman.

I managed to scrimp through Christmas before deciding that I was going to quite literally walk away from it all.  This might sound depressing, but in fact it was a wonderfully liberating experience.  I was running a business in a way I didn’t want it to run, I had damp awful premises where I kept a cot, and the TV babysat while I tried to work.  I was living in a house I didn’t want to live in and actually all I wanted to do at that point was tick off some of the things on my ‘bucket list’ and enjoy whatever time I had left with my family.

I didn’t go back to the unit after Christmas.  Instead, I wrote to the creditors and told them if they wanted the house, to “come and get it”.  We moved to a lovely country house and did some seriously fun things for the next three years.

Over those three years I took a great interest in natural health.  Some new treatments that had been developed saw my life expectancy rising (carcinoid is the best cancer to get if you’re going to have one because it’s the one they experiment with to find treatments for others!)

It dawned on me around that time that I’d literally been sitting around waiting to die for three years and that when that didn’t happen I had no idea what to do next.

I had ballooned to 15 ½ stone from inactivity and my self-esteem was at an all-time low, but I’d been using natural health products for my son and myself with really good results and I saw an opportunity to help other people and start a little business for myself at the same time.  The business was a network marketing company, I wasn’t entirely keen on the whole down-line angle but I did think that lots of people would love to hear my story and receive the same help I had.  Boy did I come at that from the wrong angle!  I soon learned that people hate to be told what they need and to make things worse I wasn’t getting support from those closest to me.   Comments like “how many of your trinkets have you sold today?” felt like a pat on the head:  “Now, play nicely Denise, while the real workers get on with their jobs”.

I attended lots of motivational meetings and I learnt that you need to get out there and talk to people to make any money in this game.  Business networking was mentioned.  4Networking that had just launched in Northallerton and so I went along in March 2009 to try that.  I had no idea what to expect and I rambled through my 40 second pitch.  I wasn’t sure what I was trying to sell, but I was made to feel incredibly welcome. It felt ‘right’ and so I joined.

Soon after, I heard Brad (MD of 4Networking) speak and the line that hit home was this:  “If you don’t look forward to Monday mornings, you’re in the wrong job”.  He was right.  I literally decided there and then that I needed to find something else.

I’d had the good fortune to sit next to Nick Hill (Mr Presenter) in that meeting and, recognising that I needed to invest in myself, I booked a session.  I looked at my background:  I’d been in loss prevention, computers and an avid genealogist but none of those fit.  Through conversations with another 4N member who was a Private Investigator, I realised that this is what I really wanted to do.

It’s been over two years and everyone says I am a different person.  I’m not.  Actually, I am simply the person I want to be, doing the stuff I want to do and as a result of gaining self-belief and confidence, and losing the excess weight, I am loving living for the first time.

As I said at the start, I’ve learnt that there are lots of things I can’t control, but what I can control is my attitude and my reaction to those things.  Now, I concentrate my energy on the things I can control and what I’ve noticed is that others feed off my positivity.  That makes a difference in their lives too, so, I also fulfill my desire to help people (whether they like it or not!)

I was talking to a friend last month and he was ranting about a member of his staff who had handled a complaint from an important client “appallingly”.  As he ranted more about how he was going to fire her, he said over and over again: “Why would she do that?!” 

This is a common and understandable response when someone behaves in a way that is in conflict with our own idea of what’s appropriate and as a result (in our opinion) screws it up!

‘Disappointment’ creates feelings of anxiety, frustration, sadness and sometimes anger and our natural physiological reaction to those feelings (raised heart beat/blood pressure) often impede on our ability to respond rationally.

Whilst these sensations are a perfectly normal response to disappointment, the problem ultimately lies in our ’expectation’ of how the other person ‘should’ have behaved, rather than their actual behaviour.  In other words, it’s our ‘expectation’ that creates the disappointment, not what they did.  (Disappointment always points to an unmet expectation and unmet expectations are a common source of stress).  This is worth considering.

Expectation itself is very healthy and useful!  It is the act or state of ‘anticipating’ and we certainly would not be successful without it.  Our expectations of other people are often a reminder of our own values and belief systems and again, that can be helpful, but often expectation in this context come’s with the assumption that the other person knows better.

I explained this to my friend and asked him what, if anything he was assuming about her?  What did he perceive her to understand that perhaps she didn’t?  Interestingly, when he considered the question, he listed 3 or 4 things that she may not understand linked to the issue she had to deal with.  He realised in that moment that actually, she’d not handled it quite so badly.  As his expectation changed, so did the disappointment (coupled with fury!) and he left our conversation with the intention of ensuring that she had the tools she needed to enable her to be more effective next time.

I was reflecting on our conversation later that day and was reminded that we cannot control how other people behave, but, we can control our own reaction when they do not behave as we expect by asking ourselves what we are assuming they understand that perhaps they don’t.  It may be that actually there are no assumptions or our part and that our expectation was entirely appropriate. 

My point is that the act of asking the question at least allows us to make that assessment before reacting from a physiological point and potentially screwing things up even further!

I called my friend this week to thank him for this timely reminder.

Tim Johnson, Director of Strategy for 4Networking is my biggest inspiration.  He encourages me every day to be the best I can be and without him, I would be 50% as effective.

“Who Am I?” Guest blog by Tim Johnson, Director of Strategy, 4Networking.

We live in age of decreasing formality and decreasing deference: newsreaders and the prime minister can be seen without ties, and Prince William was even allowed to marry a commoner. 

4Networking has grown, in part, by the attractiveness of its deliberately relaxed culture, a place where you can “be yourself”.

It is great to be freed up from having to conform to the stereotypical behaviour and appearances of a “successful business person”, so that the power dressing, feigned confidence often accompanied with arrogance, and associated bullshit can be left well alone. Dropping your corporate suit of armour comes with welcome relief from the expense and effort of maintaining it and I find it much easier to get on with people without it.

But after all that welcome relief, a nagging question keeps cropping up again and again, “Who am I anyway?”.  In the old world I was defined by being the biggest cog in the biggest machine I could be, and I had to collect a whole load of possessions to prove it.  But now that I’ve left that game with all of the well-known downsides that accompany it, how am I defined?  By the clothes I wear? The friends I keep? By my role as a father?  By my role in the workplace?  By the way I think?  By my political views?  By the way I’m feeling?  By the books I read?  By the way I use my “spare” time and so on, the list is endless…

I could answer all of these questions and create an endless list of descriptions, but would that get me any closer to answering who I am?  I’ve tried this approach, many times, and I’ve found it not only to be ineffective, but to make things worse as it’s a moving picture; I think differently at different times, my political views change with the issue at hand, my once love affair with red wine and whisky are no longer and so on….

I’ve explored the wisdom of the “gurus” to be informed that I’m consciousness or awareness, and that we are “all one” and armed with this knowledge too, I find myself none the wiser.  

So as I sit and wonder once more with my snoozing Labrador beside me, I remember the last time I worked this out after much reflection… after losing my arm, my business and nearly my life after a car accident 10 years ago, that I am what I make of myself, and scarily that is largely down to me!

Learning to self lead is challenging as it goes against our natural tendencies, but once we stop looking externally for motivation and accept that it is an internal job, we are able then to achieve our goals and to enjoy the journey of discovery along the way.

I talk alot on this topic and as a result am inspired daily by people who have learnt to Self Lead by living it.  

I am pleased to share with you an update from Mike Morrision of Mimo to his post on this site back in September 2010:

Guest blog by Mike Morrison of Mimo:

7 months ago I wrote an article I never thought I’d write; laying out details of a past I’d previously kept discretely hidden away.  After I sent it to Tamsen for publication I had that sudden surge of panic that I’d made a terrible mistake.  After all, most of the people reading it would most likely be from within business networking circles, and I feared that I was opening myself up to scrutiny and judgement that would taint both business and personal relationships.

I was wrong. 

The response I received publicly and privately was nothing but warmth, understanding, and appreciation of my candidness.  Writing that article felt extremely cathartic, and more importantly spurred me on to tackle those issues which, despite progress made in recent years, were still weighing me down.

I’ve never wanted to be one of those people who said “next year will be my year”, but I found myself uttering those very words last November, as I looked ahead to the new year, armed with a list of resolutions I was determined to enact.

I’m sure it’s something we all do, make New Years resolutions – just as I’m sure most of us don’t stick to them because we were never fully committed to making those particular changes in our lives; but this year was different.  This time around, I so desperately wanted to change direction and improve my lifestyle and wellbeing for the better.

I set lofty goals – a targeted weight loss of 5 stone by the end of the year, finally quitting smoking, a commitment to put a lot more effort into my mediocre social life, to see friends and family more, to exercise and eat properly, to make progress with my business instead of meandering along, and to be an all-round better and nicer person.

I was absolutely determined to take this seriously and to make these changes, for me. 

Being quite aware of my troublesome attention span when it comes to this sort of thing, I turned it all into a project; something which I could manage, measure and analyse; complete with fancy spreadsheets and pie charts…

Almost 5 months in and I’m still overwhelmed with how far I’ve come.  I’ve already lost 3 and a half of those 5 stone I aimed for, I’ve cut down on smoking (I know, I know!), have a new circle of friends, and a much healthier lifestyle – taking care of myself physically as well as mentally.  I also find myself more focused and driven, yet somehow less stressed.  I no longer see my mood and motivation fluctuate with each passing day, no longer have to take naps during the day or write off an entire weekend lying in bed watching DVD’s because I’m on a “bit of a downer”.

I’ve also found myself in a relationship which, while still new, is going better than I thought I was capable of; my outlook on life is brighter all-round, and surprisingly it doesn’t seem such a mental challenge just being a nicer person!

I’m also seeing improvements on the business side of things too – my company is doing better than ever, and I’ve finally managed to get round to putting plans into place which have been gathering dust for several years.

I credit all of this entirely to mental attitude – to making the decision to change and following through with it.  It’s extremely easy to sit around feeling sorry for yourself, coming up with endless excuses as to why things aren’t quite going how you want to – I know, I did it for years.  It’s also easy to not realise that a change is needed (for a supposedly semi-intelligent person it never occurred to me that eating the junk I used to eat might be related to my constant changes in mood and inability to sleep!) .  Making the decision and resolving to change direction is a difficult thing to do, but so far, for me, it’s been more than worth it.

‘Desire without attachment to outcome’.

It sounds like a paradox doesn’t it? 

I mean what is the point of wanting something if you don’t care whether or not you get it?

There is a big difference between caring about an outcome and being attached to it.

The feeling of wanting something can manifest in two ways:

1. Our mind is focused on the thing we want.  We become aware of what it looks like when we have it.  We feel excited and motivated
2. Our mind is focused on the thing we want.  We become aware of our current lack of it.  We feel miserable and anxious

The first reaction creates thoughts, feelings and sensations that make us feel good and when we feel good, we are in a space where we are able to appreciate what’s happening around us and operate from a point of gratitude and positivity. 

The second reaction creates thoughts, feelings and sensations that make us feel bad and when we feel bad, we are unable to appreciate what we have now and we begin to operate from a point of lack and negativity. 

The second reaction is a version of attachment. 

Attachment is when our entire state of being becomes wrapped up in that future outcome, to the extent that it impedes our ability to enjoy the pursuit of it.  The destination becomes the important thing and the journey which can often be as fulfilling (and often even more so) becomes painful, impeding on our ability to notice other opportunities or identify other wants.

When you are able to want something without being fixated on getting it, you release your attachment to the outcome, enabling you to focus on what you want, rather than what you don’t have yet.

Intimate relationships are a good example of this.  Many people find their partner when they have given up on love.  That’s because they become ‘unattached’:  They are not experiencing negative thoughts, feelings and sensations when they think about relationships.

Desire is important, as is having an sense of what it looks and feels like when you have what you want.  Clearly, goals and planning play a part in getting there, but equally, so does going with the flow and being open to the possibility that what you want may not turn out to be exactly what you think it is…

“It takes 20 years to build a reputation and five minutes to ruin it.  If you think about that, you’ll do things differently” says the reputable business guru, Warren Buffett.

What is reputation?

Reputation is the estimation or opinion in which a person, a company or a product is commonly held, by others.

From a human perspective, as we progress through life, we develop personal values, beliefs and behaviours that distinguish our character and it’s our character that defines who we are and what we stand for.  Our reputation however is driven by other people’s perception of who we are.  It is the by-product of the behaviour that we demonstrate repeatedly over time.  It is the result not only of what we say and do, but of what others say about us.

How important is it?

It’s often said that our reputation precedes us and for this reason it is incredibly important, especially in business and networking.

If you look around you now at your wider network, there will be some people who you identify with based mainly on their reputation.  Some of them you will have positive impressions of and perhaps even feel comfortable recommending to other contacts, even though you have never worked with them or in some cases not even met.  If you removed reputation from the equation, many of those people would simply be strangers with whom you have little way of relating.

Reputation is a great time-saver as it means that we don’t have to develop relationships with each and every person, company or product in order to make an assessment. 

Also, we are all being evaluated every day by our peers, our clients and our friends both individually, and based on our associations with other people and groups.

I observe people around me whose behaviour doesn’t truly reflect what they say they stand for, and, I observe interactions between people where one walks away with an impression of the other which I know to be inaccurate based on my own perception of that person.  Why does this happen?  Often when people feel inadequate or threatened their behaviour reflects those feelings rather than their value system and whilst it is a natural human reaction, the perception it creates can have a damaging affect on their reputation if the other person is vocal about their impression.

So, you see, reputation is incredibly powerful:  When it’s helpful, it can result in admiration and following and it can open doors and pave the way for success.  When it’s not helpful, it can close doors.

How do you ensure that your reputation is helpful?

Ultimately, perception is reality and so very often reputation precedes reality.

Of course, this can work in our favour and many successful entrepreneurs have used this very cleverly to create hype around them.  It can also work detrimentally and this is where Warren’s quote is worth noting.

Ensuring that your own reputation is helpful means deciding whether you want your reputation to reflect who you really are, or to portray the type of person you aspire to be.

For me, authenticity features high on the ‘vital attributes’ list.  I respect and connect with people who are true to themselves.  In other words, I respect Integrity.

Many people think of integrity as being about honesty and adherence to moral and ethical principles.  Actually, integrity is the condition of ‘wholeness’, where our thoughts, language and behaviour are consistent with the type of person we present ourselves to be.

I’ve had bosses in the past who talked about empowering people but behaved like a control-freak.  I’ve known colleagues who claimed that they were results driven but who failed to deliver.  I’ve had friends who professed to support me but who were absent the minute I needed support and I’ve had clients who banged on about the importance of being respectful but who failed to behave respectfully to others.

Whilst in the main, the intentions of these people were spot on, their behaviour was not conducive to their intentions and subsequently their reputation was damaged significantly.

So, think for a minute about who you are and what you stand for.  Now think about how you are behaving currently in your business, in your network and in your social interactions.

Does your behaviour back-up who you present yourself to be?  And, more importantly, are you comfortable that other people’s perception of you is in line with that?

If not, then your reputation may be at risk and you need to do things differently!

On the day when everyone is making New Year resolutions and/or setting goals, I received this text from my mum:

“New year, new intentions: keep your sights high and your feet on the ground”.

As a teenager, I was described by one astrologist as an Idealistic Realist (My birthday falls on the cusp of Virgo and Libra:  Virgo being the Earthy Realist and Libra being the Airy Idealist).  It confused me and resonated with me at the same time!

Back then I was not dissimilar to how I am today:  Fundamentally grounded but with high aspirations.  
I lacked the maturity then to negotiate what felt like a paradox, and in my twenties I found myself achieving stuff I wasn’t passionate about.  I write about some of that stuff in other blogs here.

It occurred to me today that this ‘paradox’ is in fact the key to success. 

Idealists exist in the future, buck the trend and aim high whereas Realists exist in the present, follow convention and aim sensibly.  The effectiveness of these different mindsets in the pursuit of success is illustrated best when you consider what happens when you have one without the other:

Idealism without Realism:  Set’s sights high, fails to plan, ignores the human condition of ‘error’ and often meets with failure.

Realism without Idealism:  Accepts things the way they are, favours practical methods of dealing with them and limits potential by aiming for ‘average’.

Idealistic thinking is how we set objectives.  To me an objective is a destination to reach, or a direction to take as opposed to something that is seemingly attainable.  A big dream is an objective.  Idealistic thinking allows us to use our full imagination to create an internally motivating picture (including images, feelings, sounds etc) that represents our objective being achieved. 

Realistic thinking is where we set our goals.  A goal is a rung on the success ladder that leads to the objective.  A goal requires actual activity to achieve it.  Realistic thinking allows us to break the objective down and to create a strategy, a plan of action.

So, without an element of Realistic thinking, we remain in fantasy whilst without an element of Idealistic thinking, we remain in limitation:  Clearly, a combination of Idealistic and Realistic thinking is crucial to success!

On the day I was considering my goals for 2011, my mum’s text was the best advice I could have received.  For me, it framed my Idealistic Objective as an Alpha star, the brightest star in the constellation, forever in my sight, acting as a beaming navigator to guide me on my way and it framed my Realistic Goals as those upon which my attention and actions are focused right now, dictating my next steps along the path. 

Reaching for the Stars whilst keeping my feet firmly on the ground.  Thanks mum. x

I was chatting to a friend earlier this week about her recent business success and she said “I have much so much more confidence now that I am successful”.

It’s true that she appears to have more confidence than a year ago when her business was failing, but it interested me that she considered her increased confidence to have come as a result of her achievement, as opposed to it being part of the reason for it.

As a therapist, I have observed that in addition to competence, there are two main contributors to self-confidence: Self-efficacy and Self-esteem.

Self-efficacy relates to our perception of our ability to learn, to develop skills and to apply ourselves to achieve a result.  This usually leads to us accepting challenges positively, and to confidently overcoming obstacles.

Self-esteem is a general sense of having value in the world.  This often comes from an awareness of the contribution we make to the lives of those around us as well as a feeling that they approve of us.

Whilst self confidence may come as a result of success, at least one of the above needs to be present in order for the pathway to success to even open out.  Without some perceived ability to achieve, as well as a general sense of self-worth, apparent self-confidence arguably lacks authenticity and is therefore unlikely to result in real success (i.e. genuine fulfilment).

Of course, once on the pathway, success and self confidence can ride in tandem, providing the fuel for each others’ journey, but I fail to see how success is achieved without some level of confidence as a contributing factor.

I’d be very interested in your thoughts…

This month, I was witness to someone’s integrity being questioned and it got me thinking about what integrity actually is… 

I’d always thought of integrity as being about honesty and adherence to moral and ethical principles.  Actually, integrity is more than that. 

Integrity is the condition of ‘wholeness’, where our thoughts, language and behaviour is consistent with the type of person we present ourselves to be.

It got me thinking.  

• I’ve had bosses in the past who have talked about empowering the team, and then behaved like a control-freak
• I’ve known colleagues who genuinely believed they were doing a great job, but who failed to deliver
• I’ve had friends who claimed to be there for me, but who were absent the minute I needed their support
• I’ve had clients who bang on about the importance of being respectful but who failed to behave respectfully to others

These are essentially examples of a lack of integrity, but none of these people were intentionally dishonest.

The thing that occurred to me is this:  if there are inconsistencies between what we advocate and what we actually do, our honesty can be questioned.  But if the inconsistencies are never brought to our awareness, it is human nature to continue in pattern.

So, whilst being witness to this persons integrity being questioned was uncomfortable, it was actually helpful because it brought the specific inconsistency into conscious awareness and enabled them to address it.

Is your behaviour in line with what you advocate?